So John Hanley was right, I was over complicating things. For the last 20 years or so I've used hosting companies for my sites, and taken care of ssl when I needed to within wp-config and .htaccess, but this is my first time using google cloud and vm builds, so I followed their docs to apply a google managed ssl. They say in order to issue a google managed sll you need to have a load balancer set up, so I rtfm and set one up. It worked as far as the user was delivered to a secure site of either one of two instances, but I couldn't figure out how to attach them to my vm instance with wordpress on it and hence get my content displayed. I did get the http --> https forward using these docs (https://cloud.google.com/load-balancing/docs/https/setting-up-http-https-redirect) but I still didn't manage to connect the whole affair to the VM with wordpress on it.
TLDR; I deleted the load balancers and google certificate and did it through wordpress.
与恶龙缠斗过久,自身亦成为恶龙;凝视深渊过久,深渊将回以凝视…